If you had a President Romney…

September 16, 2012

A spokesperson for the Romney campaign recently said, regarding the protests and violence in the Middle East, “…if you had a President Romney, you’d be in a different situation…”

Romney hasn’t mastered policy, but he has mastered the subjunctive. He wouldn’t have to do anything as president because if he were president, bad things would simply cease to be. He is a panacea to all things.

If you had a President Romney, there would be no violence in the Middle East.

If you had a President Romney, every fetus would have a job.

If you had a President Romney, no one would get cancer, except Walter White.

If you had a President Romney, coal emissions would smell like French vanilla.

If you had a President Romney, polar bears would attend the Burning Man festival.

If you had a President Romney, we wouldn’t have to wait a year for the Breaking Bad finale. [Seriously? Two Breaking Bad references?!?]

If you had a President Romney, my cattle dog would know how to whistle.

If you had a President Romney, my wife would not have baked a fork into the lasagna.

The Fork in the Lasagna

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